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A study in Scotland showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.

This is how lotteries really work: A man moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died." "Well then, just give me my money back." "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." "OK then, just unload the donkey." "What ya gonna do with em." "I'm gonna raffle him off." "Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?" "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898." "Didn't no one complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

Q:What is the name of the fairy tale about a woman who uses her premium charge card to purchase aspirin for herself and two friends?
A:Gold Deluxe and the three Bayers

The Moody Blues are on tour again. You can tell the band has aged and times have changed. Their groupies still get them drugs. But now the drug of choice is Viagra and there's a $10 co-pay.Contributed by Tim Olivera

DOG OR DAWG? To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference between City Folk and Country Folk... A Translation Of City Dogs To Country Dawgs
(City) German Shepherd Dog
(Country) Poh-leece Dawg
(City) Poodle
(Country) Circus Dawg
(City) St. Bernard
(Country) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg"
(City) Doberman Pinscher
(Country-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches
(City) Beagle
(Country) Rabbit Dawg
(City) Rottweiler
(Country) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.
(City) Yellow Lab
(Country) Ol' Yeller Dawg
(City) Black Lab
(Country) Duck fetchin' Dawg
(City) Greyhound
(Country) Greased Lightnin' Dawg
(City) Malinois
(Country) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg
(City) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Country) Prize Coon Dawgs
(City) Pekinese
(Country) Mop Dawg
(City) Chinese Crested
(Country) Nekkid Dawg
(City) Dachshund
(Country) Wienie Dawg
(City) Siberian Husky
(Country) Sled-Pullin' Dawg
(City) Bouvier, Komondor
(Country) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"
(City) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Country) Danged BIG Dawg
(City) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Country) Egg-Suckin' Dawg
(City) Any lazy dog
(Country) Good fer nothin' Dawg
(City) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to Rainbow Bridge
(Country) Best danged Dawg I ever had

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defence attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.
Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"
Farmer: "That's right."
Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when the defendant's car hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how *I* felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.

Once there were two old buddies, Sid and Irving, who were living in a rest home. One day, they were playing gin rummy, and Irving said, "Tomorrow's my birthday. I'll bet you can't guess how old I'll be." I'll bet you I can, "Sid said." "As a matter of fact, I can look at the wrinkles on your body and tell you exactly how old you are." "There's no way you can tell with me." Irving scoffed. "Twenty buck says you can't guess how old I am." "You're on," Sid said, "Now take off your shirt." Irving took off his shirt, and Sid walked around him, inspecting the wrinkles on his chest and back. Sid ordered, "Now take off your pants," Irving took off his pants. "And your underwear." Irving stood naked. "Now bend over and touch your toes," Sid said. "And don't move."
Irving bent all the way over, Sid walked behind Irving and said, "You're 94 years old,"
"That's amazing!" Irving said. "How could you tell? You told me yesterday.

A woman who worked for the Postal Service delivering next-day packages was making her rounds in suburbs one afternoon. She arrived at a surgeon's home with an Express Mail package and rang the doorbell. The doctor's 4 year-old daughter answered the door. "Is Dr. Bedford at home?" the woman asked. "Not right now," the little girl replied with a big smile, "He's performing an appendectomy. "The woman leaned down and said. "that's a mighty big word for a little girl like you. do you know what it means?" "Yeah" the little girl answered triumphantly. "About six thousand bucks, not counting the anesthesiologist."

A society matron hired two men to do some yard work on her Pasadena estate. She instructed them to rake the leaves, trim the hedges, water the garden and mow the lawn. While they were working outside, she was holding a bridge party in the living room. A guest looked out the picture window and saw one man raking and the other performing majestic leaps and spirals in the air. "Hey look at that!" she exclaimed. "What a wonderful gymnast." another lady said, "I'll pay him $500 to perform at my aerobics class." The hostess asked the fellow raking is he thought his friend would like the job. "Hey, Fred." the guy yelled at his partner. "Do you think for $500 you could step on that rake one more time?"

A young couple who were about to be married were looking through a house Which was located in the country. After satisfying themselves that the House was suitable, the young girl seemed very quiet and thoughtful and When her young man inquired about her silence, she replied--"you know, I
Have not seen the wc (water closet or toilet). The young man replied, "by Gosh! I haven't either." So they wrote to the real estate agent asking For the location of the w.c. The agent did not know the meaning of wc and he assumed it meant the Wayland church, and replied as follows:

Dear sir:--pardon my delay in answering your letter. It was a pleasure to show you the house, and I hope you like it. The wc to which you refer is located 9 miles from the house, and has a seating capacity of 500 people. This is perhaps unfortunate if you are in the habit of going regularly, but you will be glad to know that many people take their lunch and stay all day. Those who are troubled within accordingly feel the need of a cleansing at the mercy seat. Those who are in a hurry go by train and arrive for the opening services. It was at the wc that I met the girl who is now my wife. Previous to that time, I often sat and meditated until a sense of emptiness came over me. That was six years ago, and last time we attended, we had to stand all the time.
If you should decide to buy the house, I am sure that you will find the wc a satisfying sense of relief. The seats are numerous and there is a strong sense of familiarity about the place. It may interest you to know that a benefit bazaar will be held shortly for the purpose of furnishing plush seats, the members feel their ends will be better served by making the place more comfortable. In closing, may I mention that it pains me not to go more often than I do.

Yours truly,
Harry Scrachit of the Peekingtom
Real Estate Company

This grandfather moved out into the country. The grandson wanted to see how Grandpa lived so he went to visit.
When they sat down to eat the dishes were not very clean so the Grandson asked Grandpa if he realized the dishes were not too clean. The Grandfather said "Well Grandson, I live in the country and cold water don't get the dishes too clean."
At the second meal the Grandson saw the dishes STILL were not very clean. The Grandson asked about this again because he was beginning to think that perhaps Grandfather did not SEE well enough to clean the dishes well. Again though Grandfather said "Well Grandson, I live in the country and cold water don't get the dishes too clean."
Later on that day when the grandson went outside Grandpa's dog wanted to play with the Grandson and charged up to him and knocked the Grandson down in the mud. The Grandson was quite annoyed but the more that he tried to push the dog off of him the more the dog thought it was a game and kept playing with him and licking him.
The Grandfather came to the door just as the Grandson finally got the playing and licking dog off of him. The Grandson started to stand up and Grandfather yells at the dog "Coldwater you better get the mud licked off of my Grandson better than THAT."

More of life's mysteries explained: Contributed by T.S. Bolton

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

15. You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

A farmer had about 200 hens, when his old rooster finally died. So, he went down the road to his neighboring farmer and asked if he had a rooster that he would be willing to sell. The other farmer said, "Yeah, I've got this neat rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every hen you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster cost a lot of money, but the farmer decided he'd be worth it. So, he bought Kenny.

The farmer took Kenny home and set him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk, "I want you to pace yourself now, Kenny, you've got a lot of hens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!- Kenny nailed every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer was really shocked. After that the farmer heard a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny was in there. Later, the farmer saw Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake.
Once again -WHAM! He got all the geese. By sunset he saw Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer was distraught and worried that his expensive rooster wouldn't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer awoke the next morning only to find Kenny on his back, feet in the air, stone still in the middle of the yard, vultures circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shook his head and said, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself!"

Kenny opened one eye, nodded toward the buzzards circling in the sky and said, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
Contributed by T.S. Bolton



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